It has been a long time since I wrote anything. It has also been a long time since I have felt like I have had anything to say. Those who know me well and have known me for a long time will tell you that it is unlike me not to have much to say. The thing is I have just come full circle. I am back at where I want to be, where I was before. A lot has changed though, even though I am right where I started. Let me explain and then I have an ask (#ifyoudontask)…
It all started a long long time ago but I’ll spare you the snores now. Suffice it to say that in the fall last year I took a figurative fall and it hit me hard. But, it was the best trip I have taken! Unlike other journeys with actual travelling, there was no jet lag, no packing and no uncomfortable beds. This trip was much more like the rabbit hole. Only I am now driving this magical flying carpet!
So what happened, have I taken drugs?
No! I am sane, really really sane. A little eccentric (again) but all sane! See, I was due to meet a mutual acquaintance at a super swanky members club in the West End. I wanted the chance to ask him about the thriving tech scene in Stockholm. I asked him about what he thought the opportunities in Stockholm looked like and he gave me his thoughts. We had a nice enough chat but I left with a heavy, sinking feeling. With each step outside, on my way to the bus stop, I felt a heavy realisation wash over me, like thick, sticky, smelly tar. I realised that I had probably come across as pathetic, weak and desperate.
It took me a while to realise that the David in that chat was not the almost 40-year-old that I had expected to become when I was 18. I was so not what I has aspired to be. What went wrong? Where was the David I wanted to be, and, who the hell was this somewhat washed-up chap trying to swim in the wrong pool?
I was no longer the person previously described as curious, spiritual and positive (I know because I recently asked a few old friends to describe me back then). When I was heading off to university to study psychology, it was to learn to help people. I wanted to understand how the head, the mind, the spirit worked. I wanted to find a way to mix my spiritual with the psychological. It was such an obvious route for me and I was so excited. But, I lost my way. I did not try to do what I set out to do. So, in time I let that world close off, I stopped meditating and I turned to the task of making money, in a ‘normal’ job.
So, isn’t that what we all do? How am I different?
Well, jump to a few months ago and my walking back to the bus stop — I had realised I had become a victim! I hate others playing the victim role, and now I was that person. See, after my leaving my job in ‘venture capital’ (which was more ‘bluster and bullshit’ than VC) I had buried my head in the sand. I was incapable of seeing that time as a gift but rather was angry, frustrated and a failure. Others didn’t think so, but I did. I could not let go of the promises, the lies and how I had been taken for a ride. It was all more “Trainspotting” than “Never Ending Story”. My ‘new’ job was all fine but it was also not firing me up. I needed to know if my wish to move to Stockholm was trying to run away or if I just needed a kick up the arse. Maybe there was just something I was missing. As the quote above says, I had become the crappy thoughts I was thinking.
Ok so here is where it turns back!
I decided to get some help. I realised that as someone who has studied how to help others and who had written about business coaching, I needed one. I needed, and got me a coach — a great one. Danielle and I have been working together for a few months. With her help I have experienced a sunrise in my heart, my mind and my spirit. I am alive again. So much so that I posted this on Facebook just yesterday:
I have started to meditate again, properly. I have started to ask questions again, profound ones sometimes, silly ones other times. I have started to reach out to my friends again, to apologise for being such a dunce! I have become truly grateful for all that I DO have. I have an amazing wife, a loving mother, a brother who has always been a rock and I have the best little baby girl. I am reconnected with myself, my spirit and my mind is becoming mine again. I have even started writing haikus to express myself and to rediscover my creativity. I am in love with life!
I have a new mantra which is: I choose to LIVE and I choose to play MY game MY way. I sing it to myself every day I ride into work on my scooter (thankfully for my fellow passengers, not on the days I take the tube!)
Okay, so what now?
Well, the thing is, I just don’t know, and that is exciting. I have started to let go of the feelings and thoughts based on what I think I should do to fit in. I am learning to think in new ways and to ask new questions. I now remember that my ultimate responsibility is to my spirit. To that part of me that is curious, positive and spiritual. If I take care of my spirit then I am taking care of the things that are most important to me at the same time. This is where I need to be for no regrets of “I wish I had…”
I have had some beautiful moments of clarity and a few epiphanies — mini Satori moments. I realised that the Grass will always be greener but the shade is irrelevant. I realised that here, where I am right now, that is where I was meant to be all this time. It is not where I am, but who I am, what I am. So if I am what I think, and my thinking is much more focused, structured curious, then I am that! I am open and playful again. I may be almost 40 but I am so glad I don’t feel like I am even 30! I just hope that my body sticks to the same agenda too! So here I am — back where I was. Nothing has changed, everything has changed.
And so then to my ask…
As I have always been someone that friends and family have turned to. I’m someone who studied counselling and psychology to understand the mind. And I am someone who has had my best times at work when I have worked with clients to help them have their own professional eureka or epiphany moments. I want to focus on this part of me again. I am good at it and I love doing it. I want to coach or mentor one or two people.
I am looking to work with someone who has felt a growing disconnect between who they are now and who they wanted to be. Someone who feels that life should have more magic in it. Someone who maybe feel that they are at the back of the show with no view of the stage. Or someone who wants to re-ignite that personal connection with themself and what is important to them.
Do you know of someone who could be interested in a chat to see if we could walk this path of rediscovery together? Contact me here or via twitter @Dordje
Originally posted on Medium: https://medium.com/@dordje/coming-back-full-circle-f04e255058d6